the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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