dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
