I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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