My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
