By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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