Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
whose parrot is this?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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