Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
