dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
