first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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