and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
