So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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