My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he fucked my hip out of place.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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