i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
