I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
