I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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