I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize