I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
