i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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