you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
