new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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