theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
