Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
