So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
