When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
