I'm passing your future prison.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
