last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
