paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We just shotgunned beers for America
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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