Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
