Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
