Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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