you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
