You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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