last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize