How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
