If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize