The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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