So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Houston, we have a squirter
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize