forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
