So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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