Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
