My room smells like vodka and shame
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
