I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize