i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
