Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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