Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
