oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
