hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You don't make any sense
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