my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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