Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
