Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
