i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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