My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
