Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
