Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
