remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
