If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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