franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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