You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I party with great urgency now.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
