Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
