Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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