before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
