So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
