her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize